17 years a Selective Mute and how it felt


“Are you looking forward to starting school, Jessica?” My teacher looked at me. I looked at her. I looked at my mother. She looked at me. I looked at the door.
“Talk then, Jess.” My mother began. “I wouldn’t worry about it. She’ll soon grow out of it; it’s just a phase.” said my teacher. This was the statement which had been said time and time again throughout the initial years of school. It was more than just a phase though, it was Selective Mutism …


I remember sitting in assembly every Friday morning whilst every child in the hall sat there desperately hoping for their name to be called out for a certificate for good work throughout the week. I’d sit there, throat dry, heart racing, terrified, as anybody would be in a situation where they faced their biggest fear, be it spiders, heights, small spaces, the terror was as real. Please don’t call my name out so I have to go to the front, please don’t. I was useless at maths, but the day before I copied the answers down from the boy sitting next to me on my worksheet because I could not ask for help. I wish I hadn’t now in case I received a certificate for it. My nan would have bought me a new toy for it which I would have been delighted about, yet it was not worth the fear it evoked in me.

I’d sit down during circle time on my knew whilst everybody else crossed their legs because I did not know how to cross my legs. I’d sit there, the only child in the room, without a little carton of milk because I was the only child in the class too fussy with food and drink and did not want to try milk because I was too scared to. I’d, too, be the only child who did not answer the register when her name was called, because my brain would not let me. Nor would I ever raise my hand in the air when I knew the answer to a question. I’d clench my fist round a crayon or pencil because I did not know how to grasp one properly. I did not speak at all.


I remember spending the whole of break time and lunch times running away from a boy who used to follow me everywhere and wind me up because I was the smallest in the school and did not react to what he did to me. It was only when the silent tears started to run down my face did a teacher approach us and, not ask him to leave me alone, but talk to me. I remember the other two in the year above me as well who would do the same. I cannot express how happy I was when they moved into the bigger playground when they went into the Juniors school the following year.

I made a friend in my class after that. She was the only person in the school I was able to speak to and that was only when we were alone. When we had to read a short story to our teacher so she knew where we were with our reading abilities, my friend was called over and I’d whisper each word of the book into her ear and she would repeat them back to the teacher.

I hated lunch times. I hated the smell of other people’s lunches, especially some of the things they’d have in their sandwiches. I was even sick a few times because I couldn’t stand it that much and my mother’d have to collect me from school. The smell of cheese and onion crisps was putrid to me. I’d have sausage rolls but I’d take the sausage out in the middle, put it back in the tin foil and screw it up in a tight ball so it looked like I had eaten the whole thing because I didn’t like it. I’d never have crisps in my lunch box because they did not smell very plain. Image

Thereafter, I made another friend when I began the Juniors school and we quickly became best friends. I’d speak only when asked a question and never spontaneously because I was not expected to speak when not asked a question. People in my class used to say I made her quiet because she used to be louder before she had started to hang around with me. I used to cry all of the time at school. The cat was sick on my spelling folder once and so I could participate in correcting that week’s spellings one day so I cried for two hours straight and refused to smile even when my teacher said he would give me a sticker if I would.

I remember queuing up for school dinners in the canteen and seeing that I would not have eaten any of the food there, I ran out of the line into the toilets until my friend had finished her lunch. A lunch lady had caught on that I had done this so dragged me back into the canteen, so they chucked the slabbed onto my plate, and panicking, I threw it into the bin and went without.


I remember starting secondary school. I cried quietly in the line whilst waiting to be called out into my new class because my mother had left and I felt completely alone. I had no friends for days. I was mistaken by a teacher for being foreign because I could not respond. I just put my head down and got on with it.

A bunch of girls from the year above me would bully me whenever they see me, I seemed to have spent most of my school career hiding and running away from people who wanted to bully me. In the girl’s toilets, they’d hit me, spit at me and be verbally abusive not allowing me to leave the toilets. They’d also follow me around the school, even when I’d stand outside the classoom for my next lesson nobody in my class waiting outside too would defend me.

I had OCD tendencies, everything I did had to be spot on. I remember I had filled the first ten or so pages of my English exercise book and thought I could have done my writing a bit neater so I ripped all of the written on pages out, copied everything out again word for word and then with a red pen, shamelessly copied out all of the ticks and comments the teacher had written in what I thought looked like her writing. At home, everything in my room had it’s place and if something was out of place, I would get angry and frustrated to the point of tears until it was rearranged. When I was about four years old, I asked my mother how the letter B was spelt, but because it is is a letter, it cannot be spelt obviously, and I had a terrible temper tantrum where I screamed, cried, kicked and shouted until I was finally convinced that letters of the alphabet cannot be spelt out in words.

I began to stutter in my second year of school. I hated French lessons because the teacher had a knack for picking on me to answer questions. I could as always only speak when asked a question. I remember once she asked me what ‘Sept’ meant and I replied “S … ss .. sss … sssss … ssssss … seven.” I would lose sleep over French lessons.

When I got home from school, I would go out with all of my mates and play football an hang about at the playground. I spoke excessively, shouted and spoke to everybody like I had never known Selective Mutism. It felt fantastic feeling so free. The Summer holidays were incredible. Being able to speak to whoever I wanted, wherever I wanted however loud I wanted is something I would have chosen above anything else in the world. Hide and Seek, Runouts, Bulldog, Kirby, football, ice-cream, late summer nights swinging under the stars expressing myself like I hadn’t a care in the world, my first boyfriend … it was quite different from school I’ll just say.

It was so frustrating and difficult not being able to fit in and have a laugh with the rest of my class. There were some characters in my form class and it was at times difficult to suppress a laugh. I feel I missed out on so many laughs and being able to grow up at school as my classmates did.


I developed Social Phobia, Agoraphobia, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Depression and Social Anxiety Disorder in my teens as my Selective Mutism had become more entrenched and naturally, growing up, I had become more and more conscious about what those around me thought of me. I remember finding out I had SM when I was about fourteen years old, and could do nothing but keep it to myself.

After having left school, I overcome all of my anxiety issues and I look back on my Selective Mutism as though it was in another life. I like to dedicate my life advocating and helping others with their SM, so that one day, they can look back on it just as I do now.

Purchase my autobiography on my life with Selective Mutism below.


Drifting in and out of my Two Worlds

Drifting in and out of my Two Worlds follows the fascinating journey of a girl with the anxiety disorder, Selective Mutism. Based on a true story and written in the first-hand knowledge of a sufferer who overcome Selective Mutism, it is a unique story which will grip readers from all audiences. The story highlights the stark contrasts between her lives within and without of the school grounds, the nation’s incredible ignorance towards the disorder, how to deal with selective mutism, and the harrowing consequences of it being left untreated. Captivate yourself with the distressing twists of bullying throughout the years, a near-death experience, how she spoke in front of hundreds of people whilst entrenched with the mutism, and how she, being the only person in the knowledge of her disorder, spoke out about it to a teacher. As well as an engaging read, it is therapeutic, most informative and of great interest when understanding the difficulties children are faced with when they have an actual fear of speaking. 


Reviews – 

  • By Christina Harrison
    This book was an eye opener for me. My daughter was diagnosed with SM in 3rd grade. I learned so much in this book. It was a very emotional book for me because I had no idea how my daughter feels since she doesn’t open up. The part about not holding the pencil right, that is my daughter! So many similarities, and it’s nice to now know a lot of these things mentioned in this book are linked to SM. I bought multiple copies to share with friends, family, and teachers!
    By Debbie Moore
    This book is a blessing (particularly to parents) if you want to get inside the mind of a selective mutism sufferer. I could not get over how much Jess reminded me of my 8 yr old son when she was his age thanks to the great insights about the condition. Thank you so much for being brave enough to write about your challenging, dramatic experiences, I am amazed at your achievements. You are an inspiration to all selective mutism sufferers. Well done.
    By roger.close
    I read this book in one evening: couldn’t put it down. Thorpe lays bare what it is really like growing up with selective mutism in the home, at school and in her neighbourhood. Not only does her knowledge make it a “must read” for anyone wanting to learn more about the condition, the way her experiences are so honestly described make it a captivating read. Her descriptions of classmates are great. I particularly enjoyed the role cage football played in her well-being and how she first spoke to a teacher about the disorder. I have a son with selective mutism and this book was a godsend. It helped me think more about the importance of relationships. I suspect that many of Thorpe’s classmates will be surprised that they had such a talented author in their midst, but I believe that all top people have some obstacles to overcome that others may never know existed


Book can be purchased in Paperback and ebook below.



Jess x






5 most valuable things I’ve learnt after having had Selective Mutism

Family is one of the most essential things in life (especially with a child with SM)

I discovered this more to the fact that as a family whom I lived with we were distant and ‘dysfunctional’ than us having been close. I grew up with my mother and brother (three years my younger who also has SM) and I am sure that my mother’s side of the family had been born with a predisposition to anxiety, as I feel I too was, and taciturnity – having the trait of sometimes being a bit uncommunicative in public at times and not volunteering anything more than necessary. Being gripped with the disabling affects of Selective Mutism especially at school, I felt lonely, isolated and even to an extent unloved (particularly as a teenager) despite my family showing it in every other way other than in a physical or verbal manner. Feeling deprived, it lowered my self- esteem, made me feel unhappy at times and less able to function at school etc than those of others around me. Spending nearly seven hours at school five days a week in resounding silence and having no or few friends and then going home to a family you did not get on with nor hardly ever speak to was quite the loneliest feeling. I had experienced countless times when I had needed somebody to speak to when I was bullied and needed someone to make it stop, when I needed help with my SM, health, when something was wrong as a child and when the family is so distant and it is unnatural to communicate, I had to suffer. I remember once when I was around eleven years old and the lower right of my abdomen was in excruciating pain and I was terrified it might have been Appendicitis I could not even go and tell my mother something as serious as that. Give your child opportunities aplenty to sit down and communicate with you so they are not afraid to tell you anything. Characteristically, SM sufferers have trouble expressing how they feel (something I still have trouble with at 21) if somebody was to ask, I’d reply ‘I don’t know’ ten out of ten times in my childhood and teens. Also give your child plenty of opportunities to spend time and socialise with friends, even though they may be very quiet and withdrawn in other settings, it’s great for them to express their vivacious, talkative side elsewhere. As reflected in many cases of SM (particularly teenage boys), which I have been familiar with, they may stop going out and seeing their friends almost completely and get into the habit of staying at home all the time and keeping themselves to themselves. The family (and closest friends considered as family), in summation, are the main source of help for the SM child. As a family, you should also take the responsibility to educate yourself about SM because there are a lot of people out there willing to help who in a lot of cases will misinterpret it or not understand it – this way your child will receive the most suitable intervention and treatment. It has been proven that those with a supportive family behind them perform better in every way and generally live a ‘happier’ life.

Do not procrastinate. Time will fly by before you know it.

SM sufferers tend to put things off until the very last minute. I was always doing it and to this day can often still be a chronic procrastinator. I would do my homework five minutes quickly before I left for school the day it was due when it was given a week in advance, get dressed for school last moment or tidy up my room last minute. Procrastination is an anxiety related symptom. If a child leaves their homework, it might go straight into their bag with little comment, if they dawdle getting ready for school they might just hope for you to say ‘It’s too late for you to go to school now, you might as well take the day off.’ A way to eradicate this behaviour, which is the only thing which sometimes worked for me, is the ‘Two Minute Rule.’ If something is started quickly and suddenly within two minutes, it is easy to just go for it. Try asking your child to do this if they seem to be experiencing this problem. During anxiety provoking moments when the flight or fight response would erupt, particularly at school, I would shut down and freeze – I’d find it physically difficult to move or get up at all and I suppose that that was in a way another form of procrastination taking the time to move. I’ve wasted so much time of my life leaving everything until later on and doing nothing in the meantime. It can be a difficult habit to break.

Make the most of your education whilst you’re young.

Most clinicians who work with large groups of children with SM say that they find they tend to have above average intelligence and emotional intelligence. They are also said to be introspective – more curious and perceptive of the things going on around them. However, teachers can often have difficulty in evaluating the sufferers academic ability. I was unfortunate enough to have missed out on an entire GCSE qualification even though I had gained high marks in most parts of the course just because I could not take part in the oral part. It felt so unfair and unreasonable after I had put so much work into it and passed the rest of the course when the oral part made up such a small percentage of the final GCSE grade. Left untreated, it can lead to dropping out of education early and discourage the sufferer from undertaking further education. I wish I hadn’t dropped out of sixth form when I had – I had great opportunities going on for me and the thirst to study but let my anxiety once again get the better of me. My brother was an A* student in several subjects but refused to go into his exams and has very few qualifications despite having the mental capacity of an A* student in particular academic subjects.

Take responsibility for yourself.

This may be difficult for a sufferer in many situations, especially when you are unable to ask for things, express yourself and let alone talk. My Selective Mutism went undiagnosed for seventeen years which says it all really about taking responsibility for yourself. Although it took a few years, I had to bring myself to attention and it was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. When I told my teacher about my SM I was literally breathing out loud being so nervous, pulse vibrating within my ears, tears about to leak down my face … I still received no further help after that apart from a referral to the school counsellor. Naturally, talking therapy did not help with the Selective Mutism but it helped having somebody to see who cared, acknowledged me and never forced me to speak. We are the only people who can change our lives. If you ask for something, it is often statistically likely that you will get it. Not things like winning the lottery though unfortunately. And if you don’t ask, you will always wonder. The sad truth is that people do not care, rely fundamentally on nobody but yourself.

Do what makes you happy and not care what other people think.

Sometimes it was difficult to evade unhappiness having Selective Mutism and having other anxiety disorders but that did not stop me from doing what I loved when I could. Having Social Phobia, I had a mindset where I worried profusely about what people thought of me and was terrified of looking different from everybody else or out of place but it didn’t always stop me. I was the only girl who played football in my area and people, even some friends, used to laugh about it and even tell me that I shouldn’t and that I couldn’t join in. Football was an escape from the SM, an outlet, especially for speech and made me feel simply ‘free’. Different people tell me all the time that me and my boyfriend should not be together because he is much older than myself, even family are harsh and not accepting but I do not care because it makes me very happy. As Social Phobia sufferers which statistically 90% of all sufferers are said to be, they care hugely about what people think of them and do not want people to know that they are afraid, more than anything else. Sufferers actively avoid activities in which they would usually enjoy because of fears of being criticised, rejected or humiliated. I grew up avoiding some things for this reason and the older I got, the less I really cared about what people thought of me. It does sound to silly, to try to forget what people think of you and to do what you want to do. But for a sufferer, the fear is incredibly crippling and thought-consuming. People do not really care as much as you think, you are just merely a tiny drop in the bucket when putting everything into perspective.  I have always believed that Social Phobia (characterised by the fear of speaking too) is pretty much exactly the same thing as SM. When children speak for the very first time at school or in their most anxiety provoking environment, thereafter, they will only speak when asked a question but remain reluctant to ask questions. I feel this is an important point to stress.


What parents should do to help their child with Selective Mutism



Having suffered with Selective Mutism for 17 years and after studying it and sharing my experiences with the world, I feel I have rather extensive knowledge into the nature of this debilitating childhood anxiety disorder. An outcome of writing my autobiography on these experiences, I have been described as ‘The Voice of Selectively Mute Children’ and would like to share my advice based on my experiences which I hope can facilitate the process of your child overcoming Selective Mutism. 

Firstly, owing to such lack of awareness on this condition, it is often unusual for a lot of doctors, speech therapists etc to never have even heard of Selective Mutism. I once asked a speech therapist of 20 years what he understood Selective Mutism to be and he replied, ‘It’s when a child chooses not to speak.’ That really says it all. As parents, you must be responsible for educating yourselves as much as you can on Selective Mutism and advocating it to everyone involved in your child’s life such as their teachers, family, friends etc. Make them understand that they have a genuine fear of speaking and that the way to combat it is by making them feel comfortable and easing the anxiety not by pressuring them or tricking them into speaking which will of course exacerbate it. Some professionals may ‘get it’, but because SM is rather unheard of, others will try to convince you of it being something else. So read and find out about SM as much as you can identifying the symptoms so you can help your child. 

Get professional help for your child. The sooner they are diagnosed and receive treatment, the greater chance they will have overcoming it. A combination of Stimulus Fading, Desensitisation, and perhaps medication is the most recommended method of treatment. Common medications prescribed to help reduce anxiety to allow speaking and interaction include fluoxetine (Prozac) and other selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Get help for your child as soon as possible. Waiting will only reinforce the maladaptive behaviours and will make it more difficult to overcome later.

I feel, that despite having had no help for my SM for 17 years, the thing which helped me the most was belief in myself. I focused so hard on how confident, talkative and bubbly I was away from school and convinced myself that the mute girl at school was NOT me at all and I did not let the SM define me. Naturally, this will apply more to an older child or teenager along with interpersonal skills. 

Next, understand that Selective Mutism is simply based on the ‘expectation’ of speaking. Have you noticed that when your child meets somebody new for the first time or sometimes speaks to a stranger they can talk straight away but will have trouble speaking to someone who has always known them to be mute or hardly speak? The chances are, in the child’s mind, they know that the stranger will be expecting them to speak so there will therefore be little pressure on them to speak. With somebody they know, on the other hand, the child will know that they will not be expecting them to speak and that if they did speak, it would provoke an extravagant reaction so the attempt to speak will be accompanied by anxiety. 90% of children with SM also have Social Phobia and a Social Phobia sufferer’s biggest fear is embarrassing themselves or looking different from others around them. So, if they spoke all of a sudden, can you imagine how distressing that would be for them? This is often why when children start at a new school with nobody they know or have seen before, tend to progress and speak. So ideally, give your child the impression that you are always expecting them to speak. 

Encourage your child to get involved in a sport or occupy themselves with a hobby etc which they enjoy and which will inspire and exhilarate them. I grew up playing football and after spending every school day drowning in silence without uttering a word, I would come home and go straight out and play football with my mates. I was the loudest one out the lot and I picked up tremendous leadership skills from it. It worked wonders for my self-esteem which had been wrecked by the SM at school and my confidence. Whatever it is they enjoy doing, they will eventually become ore advanced at it and it will boost their confidence. 

Show your child that you care and are not concerned about the mutism. I never had a close relationship with my mother so I never had anybody to speak to and had nobody to tell when I was being bullied. Children with SM, moreover, tend to spend a lot of time alone with nobody to talk to at school and also have difficulty expressing themselves so I think it is consequently very important to show your child plenty of love, verbally and physically, so they know that they can speak to you regarding anything. Furthermore, treat them as you would with any other child and do not bring up the SM as though it’s a real problem. 

Ask less yes or no questions. The more you allow your child to communicate non-verbally, the more ingrained the mutism is likely to become. In other respects, I am often asked if it is a good idea to allow a child to communicate with sign language or with picture cards. This is a bad idea because the child will get too accustomed and reliant or non-verbal communication and it will become a replacement for speaking. The child will then think that it is OK to not communicate verbally and the longer this goes on for, the more entrenched their mutism unfortunately would become. 

Although this may only really apply to older sufferers, acceptance is a significant part to overcoming this condition, I feel. If you are in denial about the problem and just can’t face that you have SM, then you may have trouble becoming more confident. Now 21, I wrote an autobiography ( http://www.lulu.com/shop/jessica-thorpe/drifting-in-and-out-of-my-two-worlds/paperback/product-21291048.html ) at 17 about my difficult experiences having grown up with the fear of speaking and by reflecting upon everything in writing, it gave me peace of mind about the debilitating experiences I had endured in the past and I was able to move on from it all. Therefore, I feel it is important for your child to be given the opportunity to express themselves about their SM regarding how they are feeling etc, even if it’s written down or expressed in another way. 

Jessica Thorpe

The Devastating Consequences of Untreated Selective Mutism. A Real Eye Opener.

I began exhibiting signs and symptoms of Selective Mutism before I was even a year old. Three years into my life my brother was born and he too began to display some of the harrowing symptoms of this Social Anxiety Disorder as the years progressed whilst at school and in some other environments he had felt uncomfortable in. We were both considered by all to have been ‘shy’ given the fact that we spoke confidently and spontaneously in other social situations and environments like at home and round some of our friend’s houses etc. It was literally the fear of speaking almost as though my vocal chords were stiff or paralysed.

My brother and I were very happy as young children. Be that as it may we had gone through many difficult times and stresses, yet away from school, we were as normal as any other children could have been.

My brother and I on holiday

My brother and I on holiday

At home
At home

I was bullied during the first few years of the Infants school whilst my brother suffered the occasional episodes of it too. He began playing football every Saturday for a local team and in no time I spent all of my time every day after school playing it with friends who lived down my road. Throughout the rest of school, my brother and I were very much content with our lives despite the troubles with SM. He had always been slightly more withdrawn than I had always been but we got along very well together and were extremely close. We both had a wonderful relationship with our mother too.

Happy siblings

Happy siblings

When eleven years old, I began secondary school and that’s when everything changed for the worse. I was bullied verbally and physically by a gang of older girls all the time, they would punch me and shout verbal abuse at me and even spit at me in the girl’s toilets. The Sective Mutism had got very bad but I was happy when I eventually made a couple of friends in my class. I could only speak to one of them when we were alone.
When my brother started Secondary school three years to the latter, he too, didn’t seem quite as happy as he had done at Primary school.
Over the years he then had become more and more withdrawn, locking himself in his room the moment he got home from school and would stay in there until he went to school the next day. As the years progressed for me, school had become easier for me since I was no longer bullied but still just as difficult given the mutism. At the age of fourteen, I really did begin to realise that something was very, very wrong with me. This was not shyness. This was something of a much greater extent. Every day when I would get home from school, I would rush through the door, chuck my school bag in the corner of the room, rip my uniform off and throw on my shorts and T-shirt, grab my football and rush out the door and play football and hang out in the park with my friends for the rest of the day. I would scream and shout and boss everybody about on the football pitch. I had many friends and was very popular amongst them. At school, I was still mute.
I found out about Selective Mutism watching a documentary one night about this time, and gobsmacked by it with nobody to confide in, I kept it quiet out of embarrassment and fear of what would happen to me.

Whilst my brother’s life had become no easier, I developed an alcohol problem at aged 20 when I moved in with an ex boyfriend who had the same drinking issue. I drank almost every single day for about seven months. I was practically living in my local pub welcome to even stay there if I had got too paralytic to go home. Drinking turned me into my ideal self and completely destroyed the social anxiety I too often experienced, although along the way, it caused a lot more problems than it had been worth.
In the present, I am aged 21 and overcome my Selective Mutism as soon as I had left school. I have since worked, as an assistant football coach, in retail, behind a bar and am now working on my second book soon to be published. I have published an account growing up with my experiences with SM and how I overcome it. http://www.lulu.com/shop/jessica-thorpe/drifting-in-and-out-of-my-two-worlds/paperback/product-21291048.html
Things, now, are the best they have ever been. I now only drink in moderation.
Unfortunately, my brother, now eighteen years old, has Depression, Agoraphobia, Selective Mutism, Social Phobia and Social Anxiety Disorder. He is in his room 24 hours a day except for the times he goes to use the bathroom. He has not left the house in months and despite living with him, I have not seen him in about a month. He has not said a word to me in about half a year. Previously, he refused to go to school so left half way through the year. My mother is in denial about his problems and keeps him wrapped up in cotton wool doing everything for him. And I think she always will. Having been entrenched with these issues for so long, they have come to be entrenched and he is now conditioned to behave the way in which he does. He doesn’t have a life. My mother and I used to be very close when I was a child, but over the years, we drifted further and further apart. He hardly speak to one another owing to the tension between us. I don’t even recognise my brother any more. I remember the way we used to play and laugh and be extremely close as kids – it isn’t him, I do not even know who this other young man is.

Consumed by the SM

Consumed by the SM on holiday in Lanzarote

If I have learnt anything throughout my experiences with this, you must advocate SM on behalf of your child. You must take responsibility for helping your child to overcome this, or better still if you’re an older sufferer, take responsibility for yourself. Doctors, professionals, speech therapists etc do not understand what SM is. Teach yourself, print off information about the diagnosis of SM and give it to everyone involved in their life .. doctors, teachers, friends .. Selective Mutism has destroyed my family, and it will never be as it was again. The younger your child is, the more successful they will be overcoming it. Please do not expect them to ‘grow out of’, that was the only thing my mother was ever told. I will continue to raise awareness and support all of those whom I can suffering with SM, but for now, I am getting on with my own life.

My brother aged 17

My brother aged 17



Jessica Thorpe